Quick story. Last week on the way home from work I was driving on University Avenue going about 50 mph. Everyone slammed on their brakes and a huge horse came running in front of my car and I had to slam on my brakes and swerve into the suicide lane. I missed it by a couple feet. The horse was scared out of his or her mind and was pooping everywhere. It ran into on coming traffic and all the cars stopped and honked. Then in ran back across my side of the road and into the grass. Some people pulled over and took out their cell phones to call the police. Just thought I'd tell you because it was one of the most random things ever; and I love random. I was shaking pretty hard but laughing at the same time. I'm just glad the horse didn't get hit.
Here is the introduction of my book; hope you enjoy:
“Ned Chamberlin was a great man. I should have told him that while he was still here.” I should’ve done a lot of things..... “What made Ned great? He smiled at you even when he was in a bad mood, drank with you even though he didn’t drink, and let you use him as your own personal punching bag if you needed it. What I’m trying to get at is, he was selfless. I would say we grew old together but he kept the oldest of us young.”
And here’s where the crying begins.
“I mm…miss you bud. You were always m…my he…hero."
I enjoy this better than the potatoes.
“I….I…can’t finish. I’m sorry…sorry.
“Thank you Charles for your honorable words. It’s alright please sit down, here’s a tissue.”
Ah the tissue. I bring one for blending purposes. No one really knows who I am but wearing black, looking glum, and having a tissue makes no one ask questions. I thought about bringing ice cubes to rub on my eyes a bit right when the crying begins, but no one can see me anyway through their goopy shriveled eyes. Besides it would melt everywhere and I’m not going to hold a freakin ice cube for an hour.
“Does anyone else want to give their final remarks?”
“No? Well then we will proceed to Ned’s last request in spreading his ashes through his many handsome gardens. This was one of his greatest wishes before he passed on. He put many years of hard labor into his gardens so let us do him this last honor. We will file out one row at a time, please follow Kate or me, and thank you.
This is new. The black mounds gradually shuffled out row by row. I am at the back as is necessary. What if it was windy outside and as they scattered the ashes they blew back at us in anger. I know I don’t want flaked human in my eyes or mouth, and I don’t even know the guy. I especially wouldn’t want a flaked human that I knew in my eye. That is a weird sentence, flaked human that I knew in my eye, ha, I make myself laugh sometimes.
It was very quiet outside, except for the “handsome” plants rustling about and a few sniffles from the black mass. Luckily the wind was blowing slightly in the opposite direction from us. Will they use their bare hands? Oh, no they are putting on latex gloves, how fitting. You come into this worlds held by latex gloves and your thrown out of this world with latex gloves. I don’t like latex gloves. I’ve never seen dead human thrown around before. It looked like rice thrown at a wedding, but it was definitely not rice and there was quite a different feeling in the air, not to mention substance. I really shouldn’t be smirking at a funeral. Ned is being put back into the earth that he worked on for so many years. I wonder if his plants will welcome him?
“Thank you all for coming and honoring Ned. We are having some refreshments in the dining room and a book where you can write down your best memories of him.”
What memory should I write this time? I should think of a new one. He taught me to appreciate the art of gardening? Or he taught me how to look handsome? Or he taught me to be selfless? Hmm, I don’t know I’ll think of something.